Oh God...

*buries head in hands*

PFFT!

I am so angry today. But there's never a use for bitching/ranting right?

So I will quote the best thing someone said to me for the WHOLE of today.

"i can understand why u had liked him the 1st place.. its gratefulness for his help to u, n admiration of his work ethics... kinda like me crushing on my teachers...i'm glad u dint act on the impulse to confess to him. cos, obviously his character is screwed up. jus be wary n keep him at an arm's length... its alright to admire him for his work ethics... he's a good boss in tt sense... but he's jus not a good person. maintain a proper boss-worker attitude w him... tts all...continue spewing verbal abuse at him if u need to... anything to get the anger out. (insert my exclaimations here) goodness... i alrdy hate bitchy girls, let alone bitchy guys. u sure he aint gay?"

And that sums up everything for this lousy day. Thats how mad I am.

Story Telling Time: Dreaming

The beach was full of noises. Children screaming and playing, couples walking along the sun-kissed sand, joggers dotting the grassy pathways. Such a perfectly normal day. A perfectly normal beach near an urban city.

The lady was stepping tentatively towards the sea, her bare feet leaving neat little footprints in the wet sand. Though middle-aged, she just learnt how to swim, and wanted to try swimming with her friends in the sea. This is her first time outside the swimming pool. The water seemed so brooding and dark to her. Something about it seemed to called out to her to stop. She stopped for a while, hesitating. But she bit her lips in determination and continued the walk.

Her footsteps unsure, she was knee-deep when she stepped on a sharp small rock. Its edge pierced her sole, and the salty water entered the opening. The lady arched her back and bit back her scream. All seemed normal for a while.

But if the people around her had continued to look, something seemed to be moving under her skin at her back. Writhing and growing. Veins popped out of her milky skin, twisting and forming itselves around the bones that were growing out of her back. The lady was now screaming a silent yet agonising scream, her hands were clawing at her arms at the sheer pain. Blood was running down from where she punctuated her right arm's skin, forming weird tattoos that can't be washed off. The bones had shaped into wings, and the muscles were now growing over them while black velvety feathers sprouted and cover the entire growth. Her hair showed the strain of the sudden growth the most. They slowly lose their dark color from the roots, combing its whiteness over the length to the tips.

But her sorrow was most apparent when she realised what happened to her. Beautiful as this creature is now, its black wings and tattoos marked it a creature that will be shunned by humanity. For with humanity's weak eyes, they will not see the truth for who she is, and see her as a creature brooding evil because of her outlook.

And the onlooker can only stand under the canopy of palm trees, and weep for this beautiful creature, whose sorrow can be felt by all who looked at her. For the onlooker can see her for who she really is. An angel, a being whose soul is cleansed and pure. And the black-winged angel, like a new born infant, struggling to cope with its changes, weeping with overwhelming sadness, laid down on the seabed, clutching the small sharp stone, and closed her tearing eyes.

Waves splashed over the warm sands, clearing away any footprints left behind, washing away markings, leaving only memories. And children ran over the smooth sands, creating another set of footprints that will be cleared as well, leaving only the laughter of the children behind.

__________________________________________________________________

I got to lay off those chocolates, man. All these was a vision I had after I ate chocolates and was stoning on a bus ride home (30 mins journey). Its a good vision that is inspiring to me. I will draw an image for it soon. But its 2am in the morning. I need sleep.

OverNighter!

Eeek! Its nearly 6 in the morning! I stayed up all night playing an online Flash Game whose name I am not liable to name as its baaaaad to pass around. Its addictive, its mind mesmerising, its just something I can't stop playing.

But I stopped at 3am, mindful that tomorrow I might be sending a friend off at the airport. (Time unconfirmed as of yet.) And... I went straight to painting.

Remember this image?

I worked on it today~

As it was only a sketch then, I find it one of my better emotional piece.

I worked on the smirk on the girl's face. Changed the pose abit, so even without the gun, she's in an aggressively tauting pose. Like a feminine approach to a gangster fight.

Added reds to the grayscale to increase the sense of aggression. Changed texture.

Its still a Work-In-Progress as the Gun is not painted yet.

I like it alot even at this stage. What cha think?

Story Telling Time!

The rain is getting on my nerves.
Pitter patter pitter patter.
The rain is getting on my nerves.
The drop of temperature, the urge to sleep.
The rain is getting on my nerves.

But there's no rain, my child. Please awake. Its bright and Sunny here. The rain exists only in your mind. Listen to me.

I hear... noises, soft at first. Slowly crescendo to PaInFul SCREAMS! SHOUTS! FIGHTS! Then suddenly
S I L E N C E
And there came a solitary slam of door, a sound as loud as a gunshot through the still heart.

Child, wipe your tears. Its over. These memories playing in your mind are but only memories. Focus on where you ARE!

Alone in my room. I can hear her cries through thick solid walls. The silence of the broken home is deafening. I clawed at my ears till they bled. But her cries still passes through my mangled ears and brains.

Its okay to feel afraid. To feel fear. But you're not alone. Never. Stand up child and be strong. Stand up, now.

I stood up as her cries stopped abruptly.Pushing open the heavy creaking doors, I stared as she breathed one last time.Ruby reds flowing down her pale pale hands.
Red.
Red.
Red.
Red.
Black.

Call for help when you need to, child. Awake to a brighter future. Call for help.

The phone ringing jolted me out of a memory so painful that tears involuntarily flowed. Memories fresh and old. I felt that she never left me. Sometimes I can even hear her. Whispering to me. Never leaving me. Never. What was I doing before this happened? Where Am I?

Don't be afraid child, I'm with you always. Always. Put your hands in prayers and I will be there with you.

WHY ARE MY HANDS BOUNDED TOGETHER! LET ME GO! LET ME GO! WHERE- Whiteness around me.
White.
WHITE.
wHiTe.
WhItE.
whiTE.
WHITE.

Child, child, come to me. Follow my voice. Follow.

I started following the doctor's advice. I can think clearer now. Her pressence is fading. But i can still hear her.

No child, no. Listen to me. Listen to me! Don't go down that path. Don't let go.

I tried to let go, but I loved her so much. And even as my memory fades, I still recognise her voice.

Come back to me. Come join me. Take my hand.

I stared as I slowly drag the sharp sharp penknife across my wrist. It left a path of swelling red rubies spilling outwards.
RED.
RED.
RED.
RED.
This has to stop.

You're so close now. You're so close now.

I was so close to ending it all. But time heals all wounds and gradually I stop hearing her voice as well. I can't forget. And I probably never will. But I stop hearing her voice.

Yes. I stopped hearing her voice. I smiled.

-

Its a Caffeine Infatuation!

Wednesday, Yesterday
I was helping to deliver a package of flyers to a venue that bright sunny noon. Since my bosses are nearby, they asked me to lunch with them, giving me a simple direction to where they were.

I got lost, and spent 15 mins walking back and forth.

By the time I reach there, I was sweaty, mildly tired and totally lost my appetite for lunch. I tend to not eat after a jog/run. And my bosses finished their lunch already. Not willing to let people watch me eat, they ordered chicken rice (they paid for me!) to go. So off I went, back to the venue where I started out from, to drop their child off for school. And then we drop our sweet lady boss along bukit timah road for her recording, while boss heads for a cafe which he insisted, served free coffee. You tip them whatever amount you like.

So i sat there, in a quaint little cafe along bukit timah road, sipping my warm sugarless latte, WOLFING DOWN MY CHICKEN RICE. Oh my gosh, its so embrassing! But Sugarless latte! That's how good it is! If my coffee is up to my taste, I don't add sugar. Simple as that!

And the owner is kinda cute. Boss tried to set me up with him, and I was thinking..."Why not?"

It was a Good Day.

Thursday, Today.

I was musing over my good fortune during yesterday's little outing throughout the morning. Then I realised, this all starts coming to me when I get my mind off Grape! And I cheered up considerably. And the lack of contact with him helps. Since he is overseas right now.

Everything goes uphill/downhill at 3pm. He's online! Talking to us. I was okay with it. Until the moment where I was joking to everyone in the mass convo online and he remarked that I like girls more than i like guys (sexually of course). I replied a straight "No. You can't be more wrong." And I realised I still like him.

Today is a Horrible Day.

Waiting.

I went to the community club today to try to sign up for the dance lessons. But.. I am TWO WEEKS TOO LATE! They started the lessons already. And that means the next batch of classes only start in mid-APRIL! What! This shows that I should have done it earlier! But nooooo... I must hesitate out of fear. Dang it. But I will have the determination to wait till then.

TWO MONTHS!

That gives me time to buy better shoes and save up for the lesson. Ooohhhh... I can't wait!

Dancing Tiger, Hidden Passion

So here's the dilly-o, i chickened out. Not in the way that you would believe though. I decided to put all my attention to self improvement, family and career first. After all, only when you start loving yourself will you love others the way you wished to be loved.

I still like him, i admit. But its not a big deal whether he knows or not, and there is no need to risk a nice working relationship to see if he likes me back. Its not worth it. Besides, he seems awfully intimate with this colleague of mine, might be close friends or even something more? So WHY torture myself so over something so trivial? I am born with love in me, there is no need to deny it.

And so, I start on a journey to love myself. Not in that pervert way, but to be more confident, to appreciate myself more. To do that first, i must find out what I hate about myself. That done, I will slowly go through my wish list and through means and ways, change the habits i hate about myself.

So first thing I did, I went to source for Ballroom Dancing Lessons. YES I AM STILL LOOKING FOR A PARTNER TO GO WITH. BUT No, I don't have to depend on others to do something I really want to accomplish. So... hee hee hee... its either Latin Dancing (Jive) or Social Dancing or Ballroom Dancing (Waltz). Ah, finally, back to dancing.




Did I ever mentioned that my secret dream was to dance? As a performer.

When I was young, i wanted to learn Ballet, i wanted to be a Ballerina. Hahaha, I practised so hard, I had such a burning passion for it. Then came the fateful day and yeah... I tried again in secondary school, i joined Rhythmic Gym which is a BEAUTIFUL combination of Gymastic and Dancing, where grace meets strength and poise is the head of the meeting. I loved it, and once again practised with all my heart and soul. There was alot of issues then, what with the popular kids hating me, and my inability to fit in (I just can't seem to reach out to people). But I perserve and stood my ground.

I am here for the dance. Not for you guys.

Once again, my leg gave way. But I bit down on my lips, HARD, and continue this path i chose. Then my school had a change of principal, whom promptly shut down alot of more costly CCAs, including mine, and I had to join Chinese Dancing, which is very very slack. I am shocked at the lack of grace and strength that dancing provides in the Dance Club, though the people there are more friendly and less hoity-toity. This could be due to the training programme by the coaches. In Dance Club, the trainer developed this training programme to let people enjoy dancing. In R.Gym, the coach trained us for competition, trained us to be performers, one that performs in public, in terms of how you carry yourself, how you behave in public when you're there for a performance, how you look (muscles and curves, yes, curves) whether you like it or not, it comes in a package. I loved it.

Now my path leads me to working as a co-ordinator for Animation, which i love as well. Infact, i rather like the Arts (Music, Dance, Theatre, Arts). But i miss dancing, where i trained and tone my body to have curves (which now is a lump of fats in all the wrong places). Dancing, where being light on your feet needs you to be poise and graceful at ALL TIMES.
And with a clear path of what I want to do, i can find time to slot in what I love. I am still drawing.

Tomorrow I am going to ask for more information and if possible, sign up for the lessons. This is so exciting!!! I will update again tomorrow! :D

Unfortunately, I am gonna keep this a secret from my colleagues as they tend not to believe me about me dancing before. I guess, you can't judge a book by its cover. I am a rather plump person, but I was decently thin and very graceful at one point in my life. I can still be. But not at your laughing expense. Not this part of me.

Peace out!

Wish List.

Okay, this is more like a list of what i want to do this year.

1) I want to meet up with my friends on a regular basis.

2) I want to improve even more! (with regards to my drawings/paintings)

3) I want to learn a dance or dance on a regular basis. (NOT CLUB)

4) I want to learn how to ride a motorbike.

5) I want to learn how to swim. (Currently practising every weekend when possible)

6) I want to be more lady-like. Less reckless. (not good either at work or family)

AND I WILL DO IT!

A little something for People who comes here.

Happy Chinese New Year 2010.

I sincerely wish the best for everyone close to me. Tomorrow gonna be a happier day right?

I've got a secret, i am planning something on the 13 Feb 2010. Will I chicken out?