Story Telling Time!

The rain is getting on my nerves.
Pitter patter pitter patter.
The rain is getting on my nerves.
The drop of temperature, the urge to sleep.
The rain is getting on my nerves.

But there's no rain, my child. Please awake. Its bright and Sunny here. The rain exists only in your mind. Listen to me.

I hear... noises, soft at first. Slowly crescendo to PaInFul SCREAMS! SHOUTS! FIGHTS! Then suddenly
S I L E N C E
And there came a solitary slam of door, a sound as loud as a gunshot through the still heart.

Child, wipe your tears. Its over. These memories playing in your mind are but only memories. Focus on where you ARE!

Alone in my room. I can hear her cries through thick solid walls. The silence of the broken home is deafening. I clawed at my ears till they bled. But her cries still passes through my mangled ears and brains.

Its okay to feel afraid. To feel fear. But you're not alone. Never. Stand up child and be strong. Stand up, now.

I stood up as her cries stopped abruptly.Pushing open the heavy creaking doors, I stared as she breathed one last time.Ruby reds flowing down her pale pale hands.
Red.
Red.
Red.
Red.
Black.

Call for help when you need to, child. Awake to a brighter future. Call for help.

The phone ringing jolted me out of a memory so painful that tears involuntarily flowed. Memories fresh and old. I felt that she never left me. Sometimes I can even hear her. Whispering to me. Never leaving me. Never. What was I doing before this happened? Where Am I?

Don't be afraid child, I'm with you always. Always. Put your hands in prayers and I will be there with you.

WHY ARE MY HANDS BOUNDED TOGETHER! LET ME GO! LET ME GO! WHERE- Whiteness around me.
White.
WHITE.
wHiTe.
WhItE.
whiTE.
WHITE.

Child, child, come to me. Follow my voice. Follow.

I started following the doctor's advice. I can think clearer now. Her pressence is fading. But i can still hear her.

No child, no. Listen to me. Listen to me! Don't go down that path. Don't let go.

I tried to let go, but I loved her so much. And even as my memory fades, I still recognise her voice.

Come back to me. Come join me. Take my hand.

I stared as I slowly drag the sharp sharp penknife across my wrist. It left a path of swelling red rubies spilling outwards.
RED.
RED.
RED.
RED.
This has to stop.

You're so close now. You're so close now.

I was so close to ending it all. But time heals all wounds and gradually I stop hearing her voice as well. I can't forget. And I probably never will. But I stop hearing her voice.

Yes. I stopped hearing her voice. I smiled.

-

Its a Caffeine Infatuation!

Wednesday, Yesterday
I was helping to deliver a package of flyers to a venue that bright sunny noon. Since my bosses are nearby, they asked me to lunch with them, giving me a simple direction to where they were.

I got lost, and spent 15 mins walking back and forth.

By the time I reach there, I was sweaty, mildly tired and totally lost my appetite for lunch. I tend to not eat after a jog/run. And my bosses finished their lunch already. Not willing to let people watch me eat, they ordered chicken rice (they paid for me!) to go. So off I went, back to the venue where I started out from, to drop their child off for school. And then we drop our sweet lady boss along bukit timah road for her recording, while boss heads for a cafe which he insisted, served free coffee. You tip them whatever amount you like.

So i sat there, in a quaint little cafe along bukit timah road, sipping my warm sugarless latte, WOLFING DOWN MY CHICKEN RICE. Oh my gosh, its so embrassing! But Sugarless latte! That's how good it is! If my coffee is up to my taste, I don't add sugar. Simple as that!

And the owner is kinda cute. Boss tried to set me up with him, and I was thinking..."Why not?"

It was a Good Day.

Thursday, Today.

I was musing over my good fortune during yesterday's little outing throughout the morning. Then I realised, this all starts coming to me when I get my mind off Grape! And I cheered up considerably. And the lack of contact with him helps. Since he is overseas right now.

Everything goes uphill/downhill at 3pm. He's online! Talking to us. I was okay with it. Until the moment where I was joking to everyone in the mass convo online and he remarked that I like girls more than i like guys (sexually of course). I replied a straight "No. You can't be more wrong." And I realised I still like him.

Today is a Horrible Day.

Waiting.

I went to the community club today to try to sign up for the dance lessons. But.. I am TWO WEEKS TOO LATE! They started the lessons already. And that means the next batch of classes only start in mid-APRIL! What! This shows that I should have done it earlier! But nooooo... I must hesitate out of fear. Dang it. But I will have the determination to wait till then.

TWO MONTHS!

That gives me time to buy better shoes and save up for the lesson. Ooohhhh... I can't wait!

Dancing Tiger, Hidden Passion

So here's the dilly-o, i chickened out. Not in the way that you would believe though. I decided to put all my attention to self improvement, family and career first. After all, only when you start loving yourself will you love others the way you wished to be loved.

I still like him, i admit. But its not a big deal whether he knows or not, and there is no need to risk a nice working relationship to see if he likes me back. Its not worth it. Besides, he seems awfully intimate with this colleague of mine, might be close friends or even something more? So WHY torture myself so over something so trivial? I am born with love in me, there is no need to deny it.

And so, I start on a journey to love myself. Not in that pervert way, but to be more confident, to appreciate myself more. To do that first, i must find out what I hate about myself. That done, I will slowly go through my wish list and through means and ways, change the habits i hate about myself.

So first thing I did, I went to source for Ballroom Dancing Lessons. YES I AM STILL LOOKING FOR A PARTNER TO GO WITH. BUT No, I don't have to depend on others to do something I really want to accomplish. So... hee hee hee... its either Latin Dancing (Jive) or Social Dancing or Ballroom Dancing (Waltz). Ah, finally, back to dancing.




Did I ever mentioned that my secret dream was to dance? As a performer.

When I was young, i wanted to learn Ballet, i wanted to be a Ballerina. Hahaha, I practised so hard, I had such a burning passion for it. Then came the fateful day and yeah... I tried again in secondary school, i joined Rhythmic Gym which is a BEAUTIFUL combination of Gymastic and Dancing, where grace meets strength and poise is the head of the meeting. I loved it, and once again practised with all my heart and soul. There was alot of issues then, what with the popular kids hating me, and my inability to fit in (I just can't seem to reach out to people). But I perserve and stood my ground.

I am here for the dance. Not for you guys.

Once again, my leg gave way. But I bit down on my lips, HARD, and continue this path i chose. Then my school had a change of principal, whom promptly shut down alot of more costly CCAs, including mine, and I had to join Chinese Dancing, which is very very slack. I am shocked at the lack of grace and strength that dancing provides in the Dance Club, though the people there are more friendly and less hoity-toity. This could be due to the training programme by the coaches. In Dance Club, the trainer developed this training programme to let people enjoy dancing. In R.Gym, the coach trained us for competition, trained us to be performers, one that performs in public, in terms of how you carry yourself, how you behave in public when you're there for a performance, how you look (muscles and curves, yes, curves) whether you like it or not, it comes in a package. I loved it.

Now my path leads me to working as a co-ordinator for Animation, which i love as well. Infact, i rather like the Arts (Music, Dance, Theatre, Arts). But i miss dancing, where i trained and tone my body to have curves (which now is a lump of fats in all the wrong places). Dancing, where being light on your feet needs you to be poise and graceful at ALL TIMES.
And with a clear path of what I want to do, i can find time to slot in what I love. I am still drawing.

Tomorrow I am going to ask for more information and if possible, sign up for the lessons. This is so exciting!!! I will update again tomorrow! :D

Unfortunately, I am gonna keep this a secret from my colleagues as they tend not to believe me about me dancing before. I guess, you can't judge a book by its cover. I am a rather plump person, but I was decently thin and very graceful at one point in my life. I can still be. But not at your laughing expense. Not this part of me.

Peace out!

Wish List.

Okay, this is more like a list of what i want to do this year.

1) I want to meet up with my friends on a regular basis.

2) I want to improve even more! (with regards to my drawings/paintings)

3) I want to learn a dance or dance on a regular basis. (NOT CLUB)

4) I want to learn how to ride a motorbike.

5) I want to learn how to swim. (Currently practising every weekend when possible)

6) I want to be more lady-like. Less reckless. (not good either at work or family)

AND I WILL DO IT!

A little something for People who comes here.

Happy Chinese New Year 2010.

I sincerely wish the best for everyone close to me. Tomorrow gonna be a happier day right?

I've got a secret, i am planning something on the 13 Feb 2010. Will I chicken out?