Growing Up.

We're all bound to.

But I wish we don't have to.

Knowing that you have a desire for one thing but giving it up to preserve someone else's desires, that's growing up. If you keep fighting, you know both parties will get hurt. So you let go first. That's why you let go.

I hope that there's someone who understands what the hell I mean.

I... find smiling more and more difficult to come to me naturally. I started thinking of smiling then I smile at work and home. However I don't feel sad or depressed. Just a very resigned feeling and contentment.

Ps. I wish to work at Google. I heard that their workplace is the BEST!

Yunda's Sketches

Art Dump. Sorry for being such an art-dump whore.

Yunda @ Request

Hi y'all!

Yes, at a special request from KKYZ, i decided to blog about something.

Taiyaki is nice to eat.

Its pretty much nothing drama-mama happening in my life right now. Nothing interesting anywayz.

But to update, here's a summary...

September And October Updates!
(In Order)
I went to DesmondWoot's 21 Bday party... I realised I am different from the other similar gender homosapiens there. I am more like a guy there than a girl... Male friends consoled me by saying that I play Guitar Hero which makes me awesome (though obviously not attractive in the other way) though at best, I can only score 78% in EASY mode.

I gathered the courage to buy a gift and handwrapped it painstakenly for the guy I am fond of. He... didn't show much emotional except for "thanks!". For the whole day, disappointment ran a 8-wheeler across my hearttracks on a 24hr race.

At work, I sort of "quarrelled" with this particular colleague of mine. Let's call him South Park Guy. He wrote something offensive to me and cc-ed everyone in the office. I nicely emailed him back the points i disagree with him, without cc-ing anyone, just him alone. Then he confronted me by yelling at me in the office. I was like: "What the shazzer are you yelling at ME for?"

Following day SPG tried to be nice to me. I'm guessing he's trying to be nice to make it up for the mis-communication. And SH*T, I was afraid of him being so nice. I tried talking to GIL (Guy I Like) about it, and GIL was saying that I cooking up politics in the office. Hurted that he have such an impression of me, I was silent the rest of the month)

Weird... by the end of the day, i was almost crying and upon meeting up with kkyz, cried out: "WHAT HAVE I DONE TO DESERVE THIS?!"

Then kkyz and I went to meet up with a ex-colleague at Acid Bar, she's celebrating her last day at work (though I am the only one from office to turn up for that event) with her friends. Another friend of hers frenched her infront of us. Its a woman. The guys were like : "HOLYOHMYGODDIDYOUSEETHATIGOTTOTWITTERABOUTIT" and I was like: "Woah. It looks like any other normal couple kissing. Meh."

Then I let slipped that my pay is slightly different from my colleagues. It came back to bite my ass. I learnt things about myself that I wished I didn't. One of my friends was too honest and told me what others think of me. I tried to change though, but it does not feel like its me anymore, and I ended up even more confused until I realised the problem. Simply said, I am (in others' eyes)...

A. Always comparing myself to others, and the verdict will always be that I am more pitiful.
B. Very attention-seeking
C. Complained to much

Ahhh.... I said too much.

And worst... Lately I keep having the feelings that my colleagues hate me. Two in particular... Weird... But am gonna ignore it.

Basically I am just thinking along this line for life now.

We all live different lives, who are we to judge others when others do not judge you? Since you started judging me, I can safely say that you are to be judged as well, and who is to say you do not have any bad points? And frankly, I REGRET TALKING BAD ABOUT SOME PEOPLE. Ends up they are better that others. And I feel the guilt. And people whom I trust them fully, are the ones who rips your heart out for dinner, then have your guts for the vultures and dogs. I will therefore, not comment anymore negative things about anyone else besides myself, as I only have the authority to judge myself and myself alone. If you are not happy with it, sod off.

On a happy note. I really am happier lately.

Wordy Entry

I had had freakin rough months. September especially, a tiresome month emotionally and physically. I had enough of smiling at people, just so it'll please you. I may be brazen and loud, but I am still HUMAN. To you lately, I may seem cheerful that's because I have my own baggage and my own way of dealing them. Please dont trample over my garden of peace.

I am currently pissed. I was cheerful for the briefest shortest amount of time. Why must you ruined my day? Even if anyone else ruined my mood, I can just eat/complain/sleep it away. WHY MUST IT BE THE PERSON I TRUST MOST who hurt me the most? Simple gesture, simple action... Hurted me so deep. Let me curl up and moan my sad guillible self. At least pixies are still real.

The other Yunda

Hello to anyone who stills read my blog. I appreciate your existence. Salute!

Oui, oui, i didn't update my blog for a long time. My conceptart thread for an EVEN LONGER TIME. My insurance policies was hang on the hanger. Start to see a trend?

I get depressed, and supposedly an epiphany, then higher enlightenment, motivation then depressed again. I really need to stop this cycle. Its damaging to my facial complexion. All that stress! Tut-tut. Oh mon dieu!

So anyways, there is the Other Yunda. The one that i fear is who I WAS before i turned into who I AM today. Who I am today is a vulgar, ugly, old, bitter, emotional woman. Who I was, was a polite, presentable, chirpy, shy lady. What made me change? And wosrt, what is making me change BACK? I actually blushed at work. Something anyone hardly sees me anymore. Tie my hair up with a COMB, i usually just grab with hands and pin it up. And actually politely and nicely talked to my colleagues. Is this the influence of the french language? Or just the basic nature of me coming out again? Have the bitterness of my dashed dreams cleared off? Or was it the playing of electric organ that made me remember? Remember that I was once filled with love? Believing in the best of everyone even before I realise it, treating people with love and respect, thinking that they'll treat me that way back?

This week i felt like I am useless. Didnt do anything USEFUL. Anyhoo, the summary of my change:

CAREER:
Yunda: Phucking stressful with phucking workload.
Other Yunda: Great opportunities! Lets tackle it one at one time! And it doesn't matter how long you take! Just get to the goal!

FAMILY:
Yunda: Shitty thing happen to my family. PHuck you fate.
Other Yunda: We'll stick thorough all this together. We love each other. Thats what matters.

LOVE:
Yunda: NO WAY HE'll LIKE ME BACK. Why why why!
Other Yunda: Nothing shameful to like somebody. Let him know. And we'll see how from there.

Yunda: Shit you!
Other Yunda: C'mon! What's wrong? Play some music, let it go... chill. Life is but a fleeting moment in the whole stretch of what we call time. Take and give. Take and give...
Yunda: Shut up. You're a weakness!
Other Yunda: (tying hair into pigtails) No, wrong, you're Denial. I'm strength. I'm the truth.

.... I'm hearing voices in my head. I need to see a shrink. Oh my gods, its the stress...