A Sombre Entry

When I climbed stairs back in my poly years, I would leap and bound up them, not because I'm in a rush, but just simply because I loved the feeling of leaping up the stairs. Now I realized when I climb the stairs, each footstep is heavy, each footstep no longer a light footed touch with a dream to fly. Each footstep imprints itself, weary, sad yet still moving forward.

When I talked to people back in my poly years, I would be gesturing with my hands, body and legs, just to illustrate my message across. More often then not, I would be hitting someone when I flailed my arms to show how exciting something was. Now during conversations, I realized I'm more reserved. And if I speak too loud, I would immediately drop my volume, shamed for speaking so crudely and loudly. If possible, I would have gotten to whispering as well. And sometimes, when I have so much to speak that I might be bursting, I held my tongue, simply because I felt its right to do it.

When I worked back in poly, I used to do it with a sparkle in my eyes, get emotional over any minor setback, and sit up straight. Now at work, even at home, I would hunch over my computer, try to make myself as small as possible. Seemingly to hide.

And it shocked me to realized, when I suddenly decided to dance for a short while today, that I've not danced in ages. Painted nor draw in ages. And the fire that burned in me inside, I don't feel it anymore. It's replaced with something else. More of a light bulb then a wild roaring fire.

I've tried so hard to change, and I did such a good job with myself, that I've lost what makes me ME. But people who mattered to me, seem to take it in stride, there's less conflicts. Less disagreements. I didn't seem to change much to them. Maybe this is all internal conflicts?

Even when typing all these, I don't feel a shred of emotion. This is all so factual to me. And I seemed to be taking it all in without any rejection. No hate, and with that, no love.

Sometimes I just feel that I might be weaving a cocoon around me to protect myself. But in that way, I might never live life.

So... What am I protecting myself from?