Avant!

Share with you something that happened on Saturday. Someone threw a bag of coffee at my house. That same person might be the one who left the empty can of beer and a huge puddle of vomit at my stairs too. I'm just perplexed... Why my house... But we just cleaned up and cussed a little.

Today was great. I went for my first dance class, and I went off with a classmate, Cheryl (there's a lot of Cheryls in this world!) to purchase our shoes. Squealing like little girls as we tried out the outfit and the shoes, I realized, I really missed doing something I like. I was worried so much about the class, whether I'm too old, whether I'll fit in, etc etc. But lo and behold, everyone in the class is of varying ages, and they're all friendly.

That said, my Office shrunk again. I couldn't handle the emotional baggage that was dealt, and over reacted. Well, I've had my weekend to vent my frustrated. And unfortunately, the guys from badminton got the brute of it when I kept screaming "UP YOURS!" every time I scored. Apparently after that, my face was a target. From this point onwards, I got to Man-Up!

A Sombre Entry

When I climbed stairs back in my poly years, I would leap and bound up them, not because I'm in a rush, but just simply because I loved the feeling of leaping up the stairs. Now I realized when I climb the stairs, each footstep is heavy, each footstep no longer a light footed touch with a dream to fly. Each footstep imprints itself, weary, sad yet still moving forward.

When I talked to people back in my poly years, I would be gesturing with my hands, body and legs, just to illustrate my message across. More often then not, I would be hitting someone when I flailed my arms to show how exciting something was. Now during conversations, I realized I'm more reserved. And if I speak too loud, I would immediately drop my volume, shamed for speaking so crudely and loudly. If possible, I would have gotten to whispering as well. And sometimes, when I have so much to speak that I might be bursting, I held my tongue, simply because I felt its right to do it.

When I worked back in poly, I used to do it with a sparkle in my eyes, get emotional over any minor setback, and sit up straight. Now at work, even at home, I would hunch over my computer, try to make myself as small as possible. Seemingly to hide.

And it shocked me to realized, when I suddenly decided to dance for a short while today, that I've not danced in ages. Painted nor draw in ages. And the fire that burned in me inside, I don't feel it anymore. It's replaced with something else. More of a light bulb then a wild roaring fire.

I've tried so hard to change, and I did such a good job with myself, that I've lost what makes me ME. But people who mattered to me, seem to take it in stride, there's less conflicts. Less disagreements. I didn't seem to change much to them. Maybe this is all internal conflicts?

Even when typing all these, I don't feel a shred of emotion. This is all so factual to me. And I seemed to be taking it all in without any rejection. No hate, and with that, no love.

Sometimes I just feel that I might be weaving a cocoon around me to protect myself. But in that way, I might never live life.

So... What am I protecting myself from?

Look what I've made!

If someone is to ask me to name what my Mother would be if she's not a housewife (an excellent one, by the way), I would say a Florist. And a really good one she'll be!

So I wanted her to start her own little business, but with my limited budget, I'm asking her to make bouquets of fake little roses out of this little fake roses that I've made from crepe paper. It's within budget, it can be a hobby if it doesn't take off as a business. And it's within interest as well! She likes crafting and so do I! It'll be a great bonding session!

That aside, I'm making roses for Valentine's. Hopefully the people I give will appreciate them.

Cheerios! I've two artworks coming right up next week too!