The other Yunda

Hello to anyone who stills read my blog. I appreciate your existence. Salute!

Oui, oui, i didn't update my blog for a long time. My conceptart thread for an EVEN LONGER TIME. My insurance policies was hang on the hanger. Start to see a trend?

I get depressed, and supposedly an epiphany, then higher enlightenment, motivation then depressed again. I really need to stop this cycle. Its damaging to my facial complexion. All that stress! Tut-tut. Oh mon dieu!

So anyways, there is the Other Yunda. The one that i fear is who I WAS before i turned into who I AM today. Who I am today is a vulgar, ugly, old, bitter, emotional woman. Who I was, was a polite, presentable, chirpy, shy lady. What made me change? And wosrt, what is making me change BACK? I actually blushed at work. Something anyone hardly sees me anymore. Tie my hair up with a COMB, i usually just grab with hands and pin it up. And actually politely and nicely talked to my colleagues. Is this the influence of the french language? Or just the basic nature of me coming out again? Have the bitterness of my dashed dreams cleared off? Or was it the playing of electric organ that made me remember? Remember that I was once filled with love? Believing in the best of everyone even before I realise it, treating people with love and respect, thinking that they'll treat me that way back?

This week i felt like I am useless. Didnt do anything USEFUL. Anyhoo, the summary of my change:

CAREER:
Yunda: Phucking stressful with phucking workload.
Other Yunda: Great opportunities! Lets tackle it one at one time! And it doesn't matter how long you take! Just get to the goal!

FAMILY:
Yunda: Shitty thing happen to my family. PHuck you fate.
Other Yunda: We'll stick thorough all this together. We love each other. Thats what matters.

LOVE:
Yunda: NO WAY HE'll LIKE ME BACK. Why why why!
Other Yunda: Nothing shameful to like somebody. Let him know. And we'll see how from there.

Yunda: Shit you!
Other Yunda: C'mon! What's wrong? Play some music, let it go... chill. Life is but a fleeting moment in the whole stretch of what we call time. Take and give. Take and give...
Yunda: Shut up. You're a weakness!
Other Yunda: (tying hair into pigtails) No, wrong, you're Denial. I'm strength. I'm the truth.

.... I'm hearing voices in my head. I need to see a shrink. Oh my gods, its the stress...

Tired Out.

Tired out. Seriously. Today i was rushing all my work. Must be perfect perfect perfect. I was shagged to the bone rushing out the stuff. Yet still got more to do. And now, my HDD is driving me mad by not letting me sleep as I will never sleep while my laptop is on. (Unless i fainted into sleepy oblivion.)

Tomorrow will be meeting up with buddies at iLLuma to watch a movie together. Finally! We need to watch that show!

One thing to be happy about, I talked to Grape. Was happily contented. Smiling internally without showing anyone about this forbidden love. Hopefully I will let go emotionally soon. TIll then, I am surprised that I am easily contented with a simple conversation (though sadly its about work). I think I changed. Within myself. Alot.

And smiling the rest of my days through; the high points and low points in life just averages out to a smile.

I make no sense, I am freaking tired. Curse you evil HDD! Whom i named Elements. Curse you Elements!

I was so sleepy i doodled something on Photoshop, without any idea or image, and voila.

i am scared of what i did.

Emotional Yunda

I was thinking of this song, i went to Youtube to search for it. The thing is, i heard it before. Listened to it before. Watched the music video before. Yet, yet, yet, when i watch it again today. Today. I cried. And I am not sure why.

I think I will learn how to play this song on the piano. 4 weeks.

Today's Sketches. A study of Ben Caldwell and Stephen Missal's character designs. Nothing original.

Yunda @ Home

And on the seventh day,Yunda says "I should stop screwing up at work".

Lo and behold, she will.

I went out sketching on Saturday with Shamadalie and some people from conceptart.org. Its really fun hanging out with them. I sketched a fair bit. To be honest, I am very flattered to hang out with people whose passion in drawing can actually make them tatoo the word "draw." on their arm. And I realised that I never truely grew up. I whined alot, complained alot. And there are guys here, of different backgrounds, different statuses, gathered together with no clouded eyes to judge you on your drawings or your work or your outlooks. Everyone is a friend who sketches together. Simple, pure, unclouded thinking. Yesterday I was happy, to be with strangers who wouldn't make me think this way. Nor say I am naive. Or stupid. Or weird (and really mean it).

I am really happy lately. Just one final wish, I want to dance with someone special. Just dance. Ballroom, hip-hop, anything. Just to dance together with someone special. And eat scrambled eggs with him every morning at 3am. Haha.

Today's Sketches.

Yunda @ Home

I smiled alot at work today. They commented that with me back in the office, its noiser. I don't know whether to laugh or to feel sad. Its so complicated. So I smiled.

I laughed out loud alot in the office, but the fakeness of it echoes in my ears. Have I degraded to such depths? Am I gonna turn superifical?

They joked to me, I didn't think its funny, I smiled happily. I feel so heavy inside, yet i feel an urge to hide it all hide it all hide it all hide it all. I went home and I smiled. Still so heavy.

My colleague asked me if I still think of Mr Grape, frankly, I still like him. Yes I still silly-willy do. But I told her "no". My other colleagues asked me that if I want to join them for a Movie. Yes i wish to. But i went home instead. My family needs me more. Or is it the other way around.

This is how i feel lately.

Highly irritated as the radio I am listening to has SO MUCH STATIC.

*edit, am erasing two blogs as this might hurt my colleagues' feelings if they ever find out.

Yunda @ Home

Something i sketchy metchy when i told Kkyz to draw something about lemons. Haha. End up he diverted from that and drew something else.

On a side note:

I think i screwed up at work. I dread going back to work. I really do. But I am gonna still face whatever coming to me.

Life just dished me another problem, and now i contemplate. Money or Passion?

And my Mother's greatest wish right now is to see me married (YET another problem). And i went... WHAT?! WHAT?! WHAT?!.... after half a day, much contemplating... WHAT?!

She doesnt even know I was attached previously and broke off. But... WHAT THE HELL.

WHAT!? Hahaha. This lemon will never get a Grape. See, lemons are sour and unappealling even to look at. Rough surface, sour taste. Realistically speaking, no Grape, sweet and juicy, will ever look at a Lemon without disdain. Oh well, enough self pity. Back to work work work. Happier now, i'm gonna make waffles first then go back to work. Till then, my adopted son, MM will do my work. Snapshot of him at work~

Yunda Little Sketch

Will there be a Grape for this Lemon? Why do i feel so lonely at times?

*Listening to Flightless Bird, American Mouth (by Iron and Wine)doesn't help much about this embrassing feeling of something lost, yet to be found.

Yunda @ Home

Lemon saw Grape, alone and forlorn across the stream. Their eyes met, and something unexplainable happened then. It could only be labelled as love. Yet this sweet feelings only resulted in horrible outcomes. Their offsprings are all drained of their life liquid to be sealed in a container of sorts for demons' comsumption. Such is the result of forbidden love. Or another way of interpreting the Lemon Flavoured Ribbena advertisements (on repeat lately on Tee Vee). Oh wells.



I took off for one week for personal reasons. I realised i was slowly but surely breaking down in the office. Thus the harsh judgement on my wrongly accused colleagues. Its work stress. So this one week should be a good break for me. I think. More often than not, i am usually wrong. Oh wells. To those who bothered to read my blog, and to those i dont even know reading my forsaken blog, something really big happened. But i survived with a new haircut and specs. Haha. Lighten up. Loosen up. Live life as it lasts, for you can't undo (or Control + Z to many of us) any mistakes or any regrets.


So here are some big things that I made/will make to change my life around.


Big Thing 1.
I am gonna change my attitude in my office. Am gonna start the day with a smile. Do my best. End the day with the smile. Anytime in between I will allow myself a short session of ranting, but only to my imaginary friend, Bullocks, who only resides within the toilet.

Big Thing 2.
My ex got attached. I'm actually pleasantly surprised that I ain't affected badly at all. That's good. I've really moved on. Or it could because I liked someone else. But... the current guy I like, is like the Grape to my Lemon. Except this Grape doesn't seem interested. Yo, Grape! Lemon is here! Yoooo-hooo. (If Shamandalie is reading this, yes i am referring to Mr. D. Yes, you may laugh your posterior off at the visual image.) Well, if there is mutual feelings, Grape will look up and look at me in the eyes. Sweet. Will be patient about it. Don't wanna make a mistake again.

Big Thing 3.
I am updating my portfolio. I am really astonishingly displacing my posterior to get it done! 3 cheers for me. Yeah yeah yeah! And i bought a HDD to finally back it up! (learnt my lesson the hard way, with only a hard copy portfolio to show and all works erased the last time).

Here's some teaser of how my works are like.

I kinda like how the second one turned out, it looks partly like canvas-painting for the textures, I made them myself out of brushes in Photoshop. The first was photo-based. And i should get my work-website up and going. Am happier lately. Lots of thinking pays off. Either that, or the fact that i bought two new pair of shoes, made a new pair of specs, bought that HDD, had a haircut and danced awkwardly while Shamadalie looked on in great mirth PLUS all those thinking pays off. Finally what i planned to do since MARCH, I DID IT IN 2 HOURS IN AUGUST (not the thinking, it took me 2 weeks). I really need to plan my time better.

Well... At least I am happy. Now if only this Lemon can get that Grape!

Signing off,
Lemon.
(Sharks, that sort of make me a yellow fellow eh?)

*Edit: I'm gonna follow what Shamandalie do, and upload one sketch each day to convey my emotions. Will you cheer?