Feeling Down

I'm going to stop blogging for a few days. Just till I got something happier to blog about. :)

Cheers.

Hold on!

Is that your phone or mine?

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O_O

I got attacked by a banshee on my way home.

She had long dark hair, beggar looking clothes and a screech that makes you want to punch her in reflex. It's so shrill.

She ran pass me, turned around and shrilled at the top of her voice or at least at the peak of my audio capability. And then she took off.

My reflexes were to tense my body and raise my arms to choke her. My brain told me those are the "latest" teenager clothes. I mean, come on, how short can your shorts be, before they are considered as denim underwear? And do they HAVE to be torn? She looks like she've been dragged across fields as part of some medieval punishments!


As I recovered from that adrenaline rush, I realized...

I almost attacked a female teenager.

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Coffee, one cup I had

That was on Saturday morning. I had ballet at 8am and I was dreadfully in need of a pick-me-up. After 2 hours of futile trying to memorize a new dance, the 3 of us (adult ballet trainees) decided to skip the grade 1 class and instead hop over to McDonald's cafe to grab a cup of coffee. I must say, cappuccino has never seem so delicious and savory. After that we went back for the grade 2 class. (we still train! We just need the caffeine, honest!) And we had ballet class yesterday morning 9-11.30.

My muscles are not even screaming anymore, they're pretty much in a comatose state. I'm numb and sore but it left so good to be dancing so much. Tripped, fumbled and got scolded for being slow at times. *shrugs* Maybe our coach is right. All dancers are masochistic. Torturing themselves so much all for the love of dance.

On a random side note, I'm back on my diet. Yes... I stopped dieting just before I switched my job. And I gained weight as a result. Plus I feel unhealthy eating oily food from outside. It's fine from time to time, but not on a regular basis. This time I took it up a notch. I halved all my carbs. That means half a small bowl of rice, potatoes, noodles, bread, etc etc. For that I've replaced with half a grapefruit or a handful of grapes or an orange. Only on days where I've dancing do I eat more.

I want to be in top healthy form at all times and especially for my up-coming dancing exams. :D

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No Coffee - Day 4

7am onwards. I'm pretty much sleepy from time to time. But less useless-sleepy now. I think my caffeine withdrawal symptoms has diminished. Plus I'm wearing boot cut with heels. Nothing makes me more excited in a simple work outfit. Keeeeekekekeke.

No seriously. I'm off coffee for four days. I feel much better now.

Later there's a bar party that the office is attending. Don't feel like drinking unless it's wine. Social events make me feel scared at times. What if I make a scene of myself again? I've a bad enough track record. I'm starting afresh in this company, I ain't gonna screw this up!

Cheers!

No Cofee - Day 3

7.18am - I am so sleepy. I need coffee.

Sigh.

No Coffee - Day 2

7am - so freaking sleepy. I'm struggling to stay awake. Where is my train?!

7.25am - woke up JUST in time to get off and switch train. Barely even able to OH MY GOD
*runs for train*

*sobs* I really need my coffee... I'm just a mess withou- WHERE AM I?!

No Coffee - Day 1

7am - I'm feeling pretty alright. Am on the train. Which is surprisingly empty. Probably cuz it's the school holidays. Slightly sleepy. But overall still alright.

7.25am - Where am I?

7.33am - I think I'll go grab some breath-mints.

7.40am - I'm too early at work. Sigh.

Arghhhhhhh

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No more coffee in the morning for me!!!

ARGHHHHHHHHH


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Hair

Something that was meant to keep us warm has evolved to being something of great importance for visual attraction.

Take a look around. Almost all the women I know had taken care if not great care of their hair. Re-bonding, highlighting, consistent combing, expensive haircare products. And it's interesting when I take a look around when I'm on the train, just observing the different hairstyles. To be fair, it's not only the fairer gender that's preening themselves. Men are also conscious of how they look. I've nothing against it. Hey, eye candy IS candy to the eyes... Mmmm...yums.

So most people would agree with me, that the hairstyle that looks the best is when you're at home. Especially the night before, where your shoulder length hair is all straight and ever so slightly curling inwards, /without you ever combing it/.

The ideal outlook for the hairstyle you're sporting.

So how the hell I end up with frizzy hair every single morning?

Pfft. This post explains my perpetual ponytail hairstyle at work.

That Feeling Of!

Yesterday I had to stay late and run dinner orders for artists who have last minute fixups for their shots.

And I was flustered and flushed. Stumbling and stuttering as I'm not familiar with the artists and the procedures still.

And amidst all that stumbling and being a stupid fool, the artists looked at me, and said, "thank you. You're doing a great job!" sincerely.


I...


It's all worth it. When you're doing even the smallest job, just as long as someone appreciate you... It's worth it.

Special Morning Update

Good glorious morning! Sorry for the lack of updates lately. I've been rather busy. And it's with good tidings that I came back with!

I'm currently blogging from my iPhone. And I intend to do this on my journeys to/from work. It'll give some time to gather my thoughts and share some weird information from time to time. Plus I'm usually quite tired by the time I reach home, so I've not been online for a long time too.

Why am I so tired? Am I overworked again? Have I been staying at work till midnight again?!

No! (happy & loud)

I've switched my job for about half a month back. Currently working at Lucasfilm Animation Singapore. Not as an artist. Just as a production assistant. This company is huge... So I'm still trying to comprehend everything. But I'll just take it one step at a time. I'm exceedingly happy as it's a company that take cares of their employees very well, and the workload is manageable, not overwhelming. The reason why I'm so tired is because the journey to work takes me one car ride & 3 trains in the morning (1 hour) and 3 trains & 1 bus ride home (1 hour).

That's also why I'm blogging on the journeys instead of doing it on my laptop at my usual 1-2 am timings.

So this is a small update for readers. Especially those who converse with me on other Internet platforms... I'm just sluggish from waking up at 6am every morning. Wait till my body adjusts to it. Then I'll be back online!

Till then, dreams do come true if you fight for it!

One of Those Days

During coaching class today, I tripped over a child while dancing and fell and injured where I shouldn't injure... My knee. The horde of children were laughing and laughing! *traumatized look*

Just one of those days. :/

Privacy at Work: Where to draw the line?

So here's a pet peeve which might not be a very personalized pet peeve. Have you ever arrive at work one day and realized someone has been using your computer? Sending out emails using your emails? Talking using your Skype account (when you stepped away for to use the restroom)?

WELL. IT IRRITATES ME TO THE CORE.

And it happened more than once AND ITS STILL HAPPENING.

If you've a similar pet peeve, here's a wallpaper that you can use. Hissing when the offender steps near your workplace only helps to a very small degree. May try spitting and raising my claws the next time. Do let me know what measures you will take.

Animation OVERDOSE

Been quiet here lately. For those who met up with me lately, you would know my life is nothing but quiet and peaceful. Haha. So here's an animation OVERDOSE. ENJOY.

Home Before Midnight: You earn 1 achievement Award

I am actually so desensitized by a lot of extreme and seemingly drug-induced animation shorts that watching THIS does nothing to me. Only 5 mins after the video ended, then I realized its a trifle bizarre, but throughly enjoyable still.

Just got home. A little before midnight. But at least I've got an animation out. Its an achievement on its own. Lately I feel that I'm overworked. However, tonight's dinner with my partner helped cheered both of us up considerably. We both missed the rowdy and crowded days of the past. And its sad that now, there's only two of us holding everything together in Production and Art Department (me and her respectively). We recounted all the days where we had fun with our former colleagues (who had thus left the company). The embarrassing moments, the funny moments, the awkward moments, the proud moments... Each and every drip and drape of memories held dear to both of us flowed out over dinner. We roared with laughter, shrieked at different parts of the stories, finished each other's sentences, and silently glowed with pride at times.

Though we dine for less than an hour, and stayed back till late, today was especially fulfilling.

Whatever happened in the future, and regardless of the fact that we'll probably part in the future as colleagues... What matters is that at each moment, each present moment, we've already created memories that will never fade. Missing a person is never a flaw. Moving on is never a flaw. What matters, is you live life to the fullest for each moment. So in the future, you can look back, and smile with pride.

Enjoy this mashup by a pretty good-looking and talented boys:

Quick Sketch

A quick sketch. I'm feeling a tad lonely... sigh...

W-w-what's happening?!

How?

And I was only carrying laundry when it happened.

A Tribute

For my beloved Richardo Seagate.

My much loved hard-drive for 5 months.

"I know you don't think that I am trying. I know you're wearing thin down to the core..."

*this is the first song that pops to my mind when the sorrow sets in after anger.

What A Terrible Terrible Event

My Seagate Backup Harddrive. Died on me.

No spluttering. No "grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr" of angry misuse. No sound. But also no lights. No Nothing. It's almost like it died in its sleep.

And I just backed up all my work this week. So... All my files. Gone.

SalonpaS

I leaned over to the right ever so slightly, my eyes fixed on my laptop screen ahead, my right hand automatically reaching for the.... empty space on my shelf.

There was a brief but intense moment of panic and sheer fearfulness that existed within my soul.

My Salonpas patches are not where they usually are.

I found them eventually. But at the same time, I realized that I'm dreadfully reliant on them. 'Cause of my leg problem of course. And with the dreadful pain throbbing in my leg that renders me immobile from waist down, I bid you all good night...

I'M SO EXCITED.

COACHING CLASS TOMORROW (Technically today.)

Collaboration Art

This month's artwork, I proudly present to you... The Jester.

Artwork is by my Sensei. A talented (and hardworking) artist in Malaysia that I've had the good fortune to come across. So its a collaboration art piece. He gave me the black and white sketch as seen above, and I splash some colors on it. I hope I did justice to it though. Happy to do such collaboration work.

Anyone interested, let's have some collab' art together!
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The Golden Rule

An excerpt from Wikipedia.

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The Golden Rule or ethic of reciprocity is a maxim, ethical code, or morality that essentially states either of the following:

1. One should treat others as one would like others to treat oneself (positive form)
2. One should not treat others in ways that one would not like to be treated (negative/prohibitive form, also called the Silver Rule)

The Golden Rule is arguably the most essential basis for the modern concept of human rights, in which each individual has a right to just treatment, and a reciprocal responsibility to ensure justice for others. A key element of the Golden Rule is that a person attempting to live by this rule treats all people with consideration, not just members of his or her in-group. The Golden Rule has its roots in a wide range of world cultures, and is a standard which different cultures use to resolve conflicts.

The Golden Rule has a long history, and a great number of prominent religious figures and philosophers have restated its reciprocal, bilateral nature in various ways (not limited to the above forms). As a concept, the Golden Rule has a history that long predates the term "Golden Rule" (or "Golden law", as it was called from the 1670s). The ethic of reciprocity was present in certain forms in the philosophies of ancient Babylon, Egypt, Persia, India, Greece, Judea, and China.

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Basically, this post is to share an experience I faced today. How I had behaved out of line though I had always stood by this Golden Rule all my conscious life. Hopefully you will leave this web blog with food for thought.

The working day after a long weekend or a public holiday is unfortunately the busiest of the week. Backlogs from your own end, backlogs from your client's end, a result of the joyous i-can-leave-it-till-the-next-working-day attitude on the working day prior to the public holiday or long weekend. I had my fair share of sudden work piled on me, so though it was tempting, I actually finished my required work on last Friday, clearly leaving only the bare minimum to do for today. (I've to plan for work for the next working day too, being a Production Co-ordinator). And indeed, I spared no effort to clear as much as possible, knowing that today, something, something MIGHT go wrong.

And so far, everything was peachy. Doing what I've planned, and co-ordinating work for the rest of the week, clearing enquires and inquires for all my on-going projects. Thankfully, my partner is there to help me through with my work. Bless her soul. It was busy, but its good to be busy at work then to have nothing to do. So I'm rushing some projects that got through today, while making sure others is on track.

Then came one particular email requesting for file on my end. This lady called me up after I replied that I can only send by end of today, requesting that I send as soon as possible or preferably, NOW, as she wants to settle it within the working hours. I told her to give me 10 mins to get back to her with the files (as I'm working on something else at that moment). 10 mins passed, and I cleared what I was doing. I was getting ready to prep and send the files over, when she called up and just rudely said: "Hey, if you're not sending, then I'll go get the files from your studio itself. What are they doing, why so slow?"

I replied, "They'll need time too, I've just received the files from them." Which is surprise, surprise, the truth. They really just sent me the file. This isn't an excuse or a ploy to get her off my back.

She replied: "well, so that means YOU didn't send the file over then? (angry pause) I NEED to go home, you know? can you send over now?"

I calmly replied: "Yes, but it'll take at least 5 mins for the files (as they are bigger than average documents, these are audio files) to reach you. I'm sending over now."

Lady retorted: "Well, its been more than 10 mins since you said you'll get back to me with the files. I need to go home okay? When can you send it? When?!"

I looked at the clock, 6.19pm. I started at the numbers with a sudden silence, and replied softly: "I'm sending...now."

She muttered a few more things that I couldn't recall. And when she hung up, I was quietly sitting at my place, staring at the files attached in the email I am typing. My boss was behind me the whole time, he heard part of the conversation. And he asked my partner who was on the line. She replied him and that is when I burst.

"KNN CCB. That N*BE CH** B*E says SHE NEEDS TO GO HOME. She needs to go home and can't even wait for 5 mins and I'm wasting her time. Last week, for 3 days straight I waited past 8pm, even till 10pm without complaining, only worried that the email jams up or something. Patiently waiting for HER files to come in. Then F**KING came in at 10PM, and its not like my job ends there. Kao Pei Kao Bu! I still need to download and check through and F*CKING D*I JI*O labelled as NOT APPROVED. But I never complain, because I understand her team is also rushing. I just told her that my timing will get affected. DID I ONCE SAY "OI, B*TCH FASTER, CUZ I NEED TO GO HOME"?! NO. Because WORK is WORK. And she dare to say such things! KNN CCB!"

And my Boss was staring at me, saying numerous statements that didn't get through to me through my temper, and then one statement rang out loud through the haze of anger: "well, just pass her the files then."

I was shamed-faced and thoroughly embarrassed. My boss is right. I just have to send her the files. I reflected silently and (unfortunately) sullenly as I drafted the email and send the files to her. And I realized how poorly I've conducted myself as a co-ordinator. When I failed to hand up the files required by the deadline stated, I'm incompetent, its no fault of the Gods' or others. I should reflect on myself instead of finding an excuse to blow up.

Secondly, though I may be understanding, I have no right to assume others will be. It's my job then, to let them understand the restrictions to meeting the deadlines, as even baking bread will still need time even with a top-notch oven. Failure in understanding the restrictions by my clients reflect only on my inability to educate them on the problem.

Thirdly, giving way to others, doesn't mean others will give way to you. It's very much like a confession. You confess to your crush in hopes of getting accepted. But ultimately, he or she has a right, YES , a right to reject you. And in truth, you have a right to reject others too. So giving way to others is like watering your neighbors' plants. You HAVE to expect nothing in return. Unless, of course, you demand for it upfront. Then it'll be a business transaction.

So that concludes this shameful event of mine, and I'm sharing it publicly to remind myself of the shame I've caused myself. And this will be a reminder never again to behave so immaturely.

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Remember Sad Saturday?

So if you had read my previous post, you would have noted how bitter I was about being unable to afford the exam fees for Ballet. However, if you think that I would be moping at home, feeling sorry for "my own sad little ass", then you don't know me well enough. *chuckles*

I was sad, distraught, blah blah blah. So last Sunday I spoke with my other 3 ballet friends and Monsieur Anthony after Ballet Class. And Finally. Worked. Out. A. Solution.

Coaching class will start mid-may, I simply can't wait. The fees are near half the price I would have needed to pay if I attended via the Dance School. And currently, with the diet I'm on, and spending less on materialistic items, I would be able to save up to pay continuously.

And a year ago, I would have just backed off and cry over this little set back. But now I just hold on to one train of thought. When I first danced at the age of 4, and when I finally get to dance after so long.... The feeling is the same. I am never letting this chance slip from me again.

If you have a dream so deep, a love so great, and a chance though slim, but present... You would understand my drive. No doubt, undoubtedly.

Sad Saturday

I went for my ballet tryouts today. I've passed Anthony's grading to be considered as a student for Grade 3 Ballet Exams. Unfortunately, I can't afford to pay for the training fees, much less the coaching fees and the examination fees.

Why does it still boils down to finances stopping me? AGAIN.

My mom thought I was depressed because I couldn't make it, then I just told her that it's not that I failed, its that I can't afford to pay for the fees. She snorted at me and said: "I told you right from the start, arts, music and dance is all rich people's stuff. Know your place and status."

And I'm just bitter.

Very bitter.

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The Heart Song

Because I just had my first lesson in Music from a friend.

Focus!

An old piece of work that I've done last week. My Boss was hinting that my colleague and I are getting plump. (Side tidbit: if you Google "plump fat" to see if I've the correct spelling... All you'll get is porn results. And I realized that there's a market for me out there! Just kidding!)

So I did up this quick piece and posted on Facebook. My Boss, after 4 months of hiatus, logged on to Facebook to clear all accusation by saying he wasn't implying anything at all. My colleague and I were like... YEAH RIGHT.

Recently my skin problems are acting up. So I'm scratching all over, and I broke the skin on my back. Which prompted me to consult a doctor today. Blood is usually a key factor of me moving my lazy and miserly bottom to a clinic. That and I don't want to have it spreading again. Plus the fact that I'm taking Ballet, and two weeks before I tore my toe nail off... Dang, I'm getting clumsy and neglecting my health again. Tsk. (No, I ain't gonna say Black Swan, I ain't no schizophrenia-mania!)

I'm happier lately though work and family have a few hurdles from time to time, but without the bitter, how do we appreciate the sweet? And during the last ballet class, we danced a little. And that was enough to make me smile every.single.time I recall that little sweet piece of memory.

Tee hee...

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April Is Coming!

Unfortunately, Shan is very annoyed by the fact that my Ladies have big boobs. All I can say is... Hey! I can do that to my drawings since.... NEVER MIND!

Work's been pretty busy lately. But its very very enjoyable. And that my boss, colleagues and I are becoming more and more like a family (albeit very strange relatives).

Ballet is BRILLiANT! Anthony said I've a bad habit of sticking out my butt. Whoops. I can't help that, as in R.Gym, we had to stick out that butt. Different genre of dance, different placement and posture! Still, I'm very very eager to attend Ballet each week. And Anthony is holding another class on Saturday for us too! Of course we'll have to pay for those lessons too. I guess its time to go on diet to save money AND lose weight for Ballet! <3 <3

Hope your week ahead will be fruitful and enjoyable too!

Oh look...

... at what I am up to. So here's turning into a more ranting, wordy blog. I'll be putting my more finalized works here. But check out my daily sketches at http://3pm6pm.blogspot.com/!

See you there!

Caffeine

Its been awhile since I've stayed up so late for such prolong timings that when I was at work, I was answering people's questions ASLEEP. My eyes were closed, my head on my table, my mouth answering coherently. I'm amazing that way.

So I sleepily went to make myself coffee, since work isn't going to let me rest. Not even 5 minutes pass that someone called me on skype, msn, email or phone. Well, then again, I shouldn't be feeling sleepy at 3pm smack in the middle of the afternoon. I sleepily scoop out 3 spoonfuls of coffee powder, 2 heaps of sugar and poured half a glass of hot water. I drank it all in one shot, while trying to talk Shan on MSN to keep me from typing "@$#$^%@!#$!" on emails because I was too tired to see what I'm typing anymore.

Bad move. 3 spoonfuls of coffee powder was an understatement. In truth, I actually had the container tilted to the cup and I was just SHOVING the powder out 3 times. Sleepiness impaired my better senses and 1 hour later, I was High. Multi-tasking like an intelligent octopus, and totally chirpy.

9 hours later, I'm feeling the back lash of sudden forced caffeine-induced high. The tireness is terrible. My stomach is groaning, my body screaming, and my brain feels like a lump of rotted meat in my skull.

BUT I CANT SLEEP.

The feeling was so awesome, I think I'll do it again tomorrow, because right now, I feel totally rotten.

Volonté (Willpower)

Melancholy March

2011 March Artwork

Sometimes...I would stare at people complaining and complaining and stuck in self-pity when certain things are really within their reach if they had just made the effort to reach out and take it. And I walk away.

Sometimes, its about how hard you want it. There might be certain things that we're never able to get. Different restrictions for different people. But in all honesty, if you want something badly, you'll do almost everything to get it. And if you couldn't, you would still feel the strong belief that you tried your best. And then you bitch-slap your self-pity and TRY AGAIN. And when you are trying your best, you'll never complain. Because you know you're moving towards your goal. What you're doing during the journey is needed to get there.

Simply because, what is stopping you from trying again? It really boils down to how badly you want it.

Avant!

Share with you something that happened on Saturday. Someone threw a bag of coffee at my house. That same person might be the one who left the empty can of beer and a huge puddle of vomit at my stairs too. I'm just perplexed... Why my house... But we just cleaned up and cussed a little.

Today was great. I went for my first dance class, and I went off with a classmate, Cheryl (there's a lot of Cheryls in this world!) to purchase our shoes. Squealing like little girls as we tried out the outfit and the shoes, I realized, I really missed doing something I like. I was worried so much about the class, whether I'm too old, whether I'll fit in, etc etc. But lo and behold, everyone in the class is of varying ages, and they're all friendly.

That said, my Office shrunk again. I couldn't handle the emotional baggage that was dealt, and over reacted. Well, I've had my weekend to vent my frustrated. And unfortunately, the guys from badminton got the brute of it when I kept screaming "UP YOURS!" every time I scored. Apparently after that, my face was a target. From this point onwards, I got to Man-Up!

A Sombre Entry

When I climbed stairs back in my poly years, I would leap and bound up them, not because I'm in a rush, but just simply because I loved the feeling of leaping up the stairs. Now I realized when I climb the stairs, each footstep is heavy, each footstep no longer a light footed touch with a dream to fly. Each footstep imprints itself, weary, sad yet still moving forward.

When I talked to people back in my poly years, I would be gesturing with my hands, body and legs, just to illustrate my message across. More often then not, I would be hitting someone when I flailed my arms to show how exciting something was. Now during conversations, I realized I'm more reserved. And if I speak too loud, I would immediately drop my volume, shamed for speaking so crudely and loudly. If possible, I would have gotten to whispering as well. And sometimes, when I have so much to speak that I might be bursting, I held my tongue, simply because I felt its right to do it.

When I worked back in poly, I used to do it with a sparkle in my eyes, get emotional over any minor setback, and sit up straight. Now at work, even at home, I would hunch over my computer, try to make myself as small as possible. Seemingly to hide.

And it shocked me to realized, when I suddenly decided to dance for a short while today, that I've not danced in ages. Painted nor draw in ages. And the fire that burned in me inside, I don't feel it anymore. It's replaced with something else. More of a light bulb then a wild roaring fire.

I've tried so hard to change, and I did such a good job with myself, that I've lost what makes me ME. But people who mattered to me, seem to take it in stride, there's less conflicts. Less disagreements. I didn't seem to change much to them. Maybe this is all internal conflicts?

Even when typing all these, I don't feel a shred of emotion. This is all so factual to me. And I seemed to be taking it all in without any rejection. No hate, and with that, no love.

Sometimes I just feel that I might be weaving a cocoon around me to protect myself. But in that way, I might never live life.

So... What am I protecting myself from?

Look what I've made!

If someone is to ask me to name what my Mother would be if she's not a housewife (an excellent one, by the way), I would say a Florist. And a really good one she'll be!

So I wanted her to start her own little business, but with my limited budget, I'm asking her to make bouquets of fake little roses out of this little fake roses that I've made from crepe paper. It's within budget, it can be a hobby if it doesn't take off as a business. And it's within interest as well! She likes crafting and so do I! It'll be a great bonding session!

That aside, I'm making roses for Valentine's. Hopefully the people I give will appreciate them.

Cheerios! I've two artworks coming right up next week too!

Conservative Chinese Woman

Conservative Chinese Woman

Within her own box of rules, she is Bounded.

Her own set of fears, in truth, unfounded.

Her intimate feelings hidden but ablaze.

Seeming genteel, till you catch her gaze.

ps. This blog is going weekly!

Why Would They Fall for You?

Without A Warning,

Pitter patter pitter pat.

They Fall Just for You.

A New Look

My Blog has a new look!

And I feel apprehensive about tomorrow, because I've been procrastinating some work...

Oh God. I'm actually scared.

Sometimes I say the Darnest Thing

So today I was chirpy and in a surprisingly good mood despite work having some hiccups.

And I was talking to a colleague as he was heading off, trying to be social and just downright friendly.

He shook his head and said earnestly,

"Where ever you're heading, I'm heading the exact opposite direction."

And left smiling.

And I yelled back at him, laughing,

"well, if we head far enough, we'll meet at the other end of the world!"

I said the darnest things sometimes.

Can we pretend...

...that everything is alright when it's not?

This past few months have been a roller-coaster ride of logic thinking. And I've given almost everything I have, every decision I made, every action I create, a lot a lot of thought.

And I decided to cut everything cancerous to me away. Including friends, behavior and thoughts... Everything falls into place when I behaved logically. Like woah. And suddenly my life seems uncluttered. Nothing is perfect, but everything is shelved properly. Cold, clean and unfeeling.

Amidst the standard daily routines, I was listening to music and I just wonder... Am I too late to chase my dream? I really want to chase my dream. I'm crazy to think of that, but I just wonder... why not?

Ahahaha... Ends up, after all these logical thoughts, I'm still drawn towards the emotional pulls of the world.

I enjoy animation, I enjoy drawing, I enjoy the arts. But that's not my deepest dream.

I've been dreaming this dream since I was 4 or possibly younger. And I didn't pursue it due to health reasons. My own mother cried at my despair, at my pain, but she ultimately pulled me away. The physical pain is nothing compared to the sullen hurt of the lost dream. I didn't realize how much it hurt my mum, how much despair she felt. I am sure its not her dream to be a housewife as well. I mean, I inherit my ambitions from her!

But then again, if I could go back in time, would I have changed all my actions, and made all the different decisions?

I would have to forsake everything I know, everyone I know and love.

The truth is...My Answer Will NEVER MATTER. And I would cry thinking about it. Because I obviously can't go back in time.

So I'll just enjoy what I'm doing right now. After all, not everyone gets their dream, right?

HELL NO.

I'm taking different steps now. I didn't make all these changes to just continue being the same as I am.

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Good Bye 2010 Tiger!

A Modern Tale

Supposedly I have a friend who is currently part-timing as a facilitator in a polytechnic. And supposedly to protect identities, let's call him Facil.

He would share with us his experience as a first-time lecturer and his views on it over one rainy lunchtime, when all of us were trapped at a coffeeshop without any umbrella.

And it would (this is merely hypothetical) bring back memories, both good and bad of the time when I was studying in Poly myself. Looking back, I will be happy that I had a meaningful poly life. Not all was good. In fact, there might be tons of grief- causing incidents and stupid mistakes that were made, petty arguments and yes, possibly even more. But let's not dwindle on my personal past. Even if it is hypothetical.

So Facil was stating that majority of the students there were not there by choice and would rather be studying something else, not animation or games or media at all! My first (hypothetical) reaction was one of repulsion and disbelief. Why then are you tormenting yourself by choosing this course? Being a person who would fight for my own dreams, I could not understand why these youth could be wasting their time doing something that they are not happy with. It's like forcing yourself to eat something you hate.

But understandably, some are there because they just followed the trend or their friends. So being stuck in a course that they have simply no interest in, restless youths starts to hate and neglect their studies. This in turn causes some grief to Facil who sincerely was trying to teach the students what he knows. One example he stated was, during one class when the students had to hand up homework, some didn't bother to do. Some of the works are not to the mark, and barely a handful made the requirements. He asked nicely if those who didn't get a good grade would wish to redo their assignments, and the answer was a tired, half-hearted... No.

I remembered during my assignments grading sessions, we would wail or even silently weep if we fail. And beg for a chance to re-do. And a lecturer like Facil would have been like an angel sent from the different powers we've all been collectively praying to. And sleep is usually forsaken. So we can finish the homework... Or die trying.

And that's how I became so... Pampered. And I would only want to work with motivated people. I would turn nasty to lazy people. Really nasty. And here's my half-hearted shout out to some interns who worked with me before. You guys are diamonds in the rough. But your laziness make me look down on you. Go polish up and come back to me. I would then show you this warm side of me that I reserved for like-minded people.

Oh wait, THE END. Hypothetically.

2011- FINALLY

Finally people! My internet is back up.

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2011

It's already 2011! Unfortunately due to a small, alright HUGE technical glitch, I can't be posting anything too lengthy. Currently writing this on 3G. Until my Internet is back up in two weeks time, this is the latest you will hear from me. Buzz me if you want to keep in touch with me!